Note to Self

[[This is for the girl who gave away all her eggs.]]

I have decided to work on embracing the notion that humanity is a gift rather than a flaw. That God created us as these amazingly chaotic and beautiful and complex creatures of glory who are both in need of redemption and worthy of unconditional love.

Up until fairly recently, I have lived my life in polarities: either I worked hard to achieve perfection in hopes that I would be worthy to receive love or I gave up completely and simply declared that I just didn't need love. As I'm re-entering my faith journey and diving deeper into my soul-work, I'm coming to realize that it just isn't about what we do. It's about who we are.

This message is a familiar one. It's common; perhaps it's cliché. It sounds simple. It even looks simple. But for me, a girl who put all of her eggs in Perfection's basket, it feels pretty complicated. And sometimes, downright irritating.

If only there was a bright red button that I could push or a big blue pill that I could take so that this way of being could be instantly integrated into my being at the deepest, most intrinsic level. Well, there isn't. If there was such a thing, I certainly would have found it by now. I have come to realize that there is just nothing I can do to make being easier. And it is in this realization that I have decided to embrace the [crazy?] notion that humanity is a gift. And an intentional one at that.

It's not like Lady God sits up in her Lazy-boy watching us like some episode of Wipe Out cracking up every time we fall from our big plans only to see us get back up and try again expecting to get a different result. God created us imperfect and actually doesn't expect us to be anything else. But, we do. We expect to be flawless, first-prizers, who do it right every single time. It's like we expect to get apple juice by squeezing a banana. We weren't made to be perfect. We were made to love. Simple as that.

The message is that we are good and lovely just the way we are. Perhaps you are dark and twisty. Perhaps you're a deep feeler. Perhaps your thoughts bear the weight of the world.

Perhaps She has a bigger plan for us than Perfection.

Perhaps the dark and twisty, deep feeling, weight-of-the-world-bearing souls are the writers, artists, teachers, lovers, beings, who invite us deeper into our own journey of exploring and embracing the complex God-soul that we each uniquely bear.

Perhaps.