A Plea

28 july 2009

Alright,

Here is my first attempt at seeking you and I'm scared to death you're going to let me down. I can't bear to think that you don't actually hear me, see me, love me...that what I do or say or am really even matters at all.

My intent is not to capture you but to make myself available to be captured. I'm laughing because I don't even know what that means. All I see as I write is me in the middle of a huge, green field -alone- with my arms open wide... and I'm spinning, spinning, spinning...looking up into the clean, gray sky...hoping, expecting, needing you to reach down, around, over and love me with your warm, giant, comforting arms. Do you have arms?

Maybe I'll feel your arms in the warmth of the wind on a July day such as this. What if it's you but I totally miss it?

Will you come again?

I guess you will because from what I hear, you want me more than I want you. I don't even know if I really want you. Who are you? I'll always wonder. Maybe I'll want all of you someday but today, now, what I long for is peace, purpose, joy, love. I want to be comforted and called. I want to have love for you and love for myself. I want to see that my life might actually matter more than I can understand. I want to be unique and lovely but I certainly don't want to stay broken forever.

How do I rebuild? Can you, oh Carpenter, can you put me back together? Can you make me flawless and broken and tarnished and glorious in you?

Will you meet me in the field? I'll stay put as long as I can but I'm scared to death you'll let me down.

Alright, God.
Here I am.
This is me.
Seeking you.